Common Concerns With the SBN™ Parenting Framework

In part one of this two-part series on autism and failure to launch, I explained what the SBN™ parenting framework is and how it helps parents of autistic emerging adults activate their emerging adult’s intrinsic motivation, unlock their potential, and guide them toward a more meaningful and productive life.

Quick Summary

• The SBN™ parenting framework helps parents of autistic emerging adults move from pushing and rescuing to a more effective blend of Support, Boundaries, and Nudges that activates intrinsic motivation.

• Starting with your autistic adult’s own goals builds trust and motivation, and it does not mean giving up on your goals for their future.

• If your autistic adult seems to have “no goals,” there is always an underlying reason, such as burnout, low confidence, lack of clarity, or being too comfortable, that can be addressed step by step.

• When their goals seem unrealistic, “enthusiastically running down dead-end alleys” allows real-world information and experience to teach, rather than lectures or arguments.

• Progress does not have to be fast to be real; autistic emerging adults are on their own timeline, and small wins add up to meaningful change over time.

• You are not alone, there are resources, professionals, and other parents who can walk alongside you as you apply the SBN™ framework and support your autistic adult toward greater independence.

I explained specifically how everything in the framework revolves around their goals for their life, which is one of the keys to activating their intrinsic motivation. This sometimes triggers concerns in parents. What if their goals seem unrealistic? What if they don’t have any goals at all? What if they aren’t making progress fast enough?

These are all normal worries, and the good news is that there are solutions. In this blog post, I will break down the most common concerns parents have and how to handle them in a way that keeps your emerging adult moving forward while also reducing your own stress and frustration.

Concern #1: "What about my goals for their life?"

When an autistic emerging adult is failing to launch, many parents struggle with the idea that their child’s goals might not match what they hoped and dreamed for them. There is often grief around realizing that your child’s journey through life is not what you imagined it would be. 

Maybe you always assumed they would go to college, but they don’t seem interested or motivated like their siblings. Maybe you want them to get a stable full-time job, but they’re focused instead on a hobby or part-time work or “relaxing.” What if you envisioned them attending a state college, but they’ve just announced they want to go to college not only out of state but outside the country (yes, this happened twice to me during coaching with clients) and you are TERRIFIED about what could happen to them!

In my experience…

• There is usually more overlap than you think. The timeline and order of priorities might just be different from your preferences or expectations.

• Focusing on their goals first doesn’t mean abandoning yours. In fact, if you focus on their goals first, yours will typically get met over time.

How to handle it:

Get curious! Instead of shutting down their goals, ask open-ended questions like:

• “How did you come up with this idea?”

• “How do you see this working long-term?”

• “Would you like to explore options related to this?”

Look for ways to find common ground. If they love gaming, maybe they’d be open to exploring careers in game development, digital marketing, or streaming. If they love animals, they might be interested in creating a pet-sitting business or veterinary assisting. Ultimately, the more you support what they want for themself, the more motivated they will be to go after it.

The bottom line: Starting with their goals activates intrinsic motivation and makes them feel respected and understood by you. As they gain confidence and skills, they often become more open to additional possibilities—including the ones you hoped they’d consider.

If you’re enjoying this, you might be interested in my book “Parenting for Independence: Overcoming Failure to Launch in Autistic Emerging Adults.” The book goes deep into how to apply the SBN™ parenting framework. You can order it here.

Concern #2: "What if they don’t have any goals?"

Some parents worry because their autistic emerging adult seems aimless, unmotivated, or uninterested in the future. If this is the case, there’s always an underlying reason, and identifying the issue(s) is the next step in solving the problem. 

Here are some common reasons an autistic emerging adult might struggle to set goals—and what you can do to help.

1. They May Lack Confidence

Repeated failures or struggles can lead to learned helplessness, where they stop believing they can succeed, so why bother setting goals?

✅ What helps:

• Start small. Instead of big goals like getting a job, focus on small, achievable steps like filling out one job application or researching just three career options on the O*NET OnLine website.

• Celebrate every step forward, no matter how small. How you celebrate depends on your child’s personality. Some live for parental affirmation, and some are horrified by it. If they don’t want you to say, “Good job!” tune them instead into how they feel about themself. “How do you feel about yourself having completed that long application? You really stuck with it. That must feel good.”

2. They May Be Too Overwhelmed

Burnout, anxiety, or depression can make even thinking about the future feel impossible. Think about this. If I’m drowning in the ocean, and you sail by in a sailboat and ask me where I want to be in five years, I’m going to scream at you to throw me a rope rather than answer your question!

✅ What helps:

• Before pushing for goals, make sure they are not struggling with burnout, defense mode, or mental health challenges.

• If they are in one of these states, recovery comes first—forcing action before they’re ready will only strain your relationship and backfire.

• Offer low-pressure activities to help them re-engage with life or access to professionals who can help before working on bigger goals.

3. They May Lack Clarity

Some autistic individuals struggle to translate their interests into goals. They might know they love history but not realize it could become a career.

✅ What helps:

• Offer a “menu” of possible goals related to their interests.

• Help them connect with people in fields that match their interests for informational interviews.

4. They May Be Too Comfortable

I frequently see a pattern where the emerging adult experiences challenges in their life, and they start resisting everything that is outside their comfort zone. Parents push because they intuitively know it’s not good to let the cycle continue, but the parent becomes confused about what they can and can’t do because their capacity literally varies day-to-day, and parents end up giving in because pushing causes dramatic resistance.

Over time, the emerging adult’s life inevitably gets very small, and the parent ends up doing too much for them because they literally don’t know when to push and when to let things slide. Wanting to be a good parent, they take care of their child’s daily needs, but then everyone ends up stuck and unhappy.

✅ What helps:

• Set healthy boundaries around what you will and won’t do that encourage progress while maintaining support.

• Shift responsibilities over time to increase their independence gradually.

• Strategically nudging them outside their comfort zone so they can be exposed to new things and discover their passions.

The bottom line: No one is truly “goal-less.” They may just need help finding goals that feel manageable and meaningful to them, or they may need to recover from more pressing concerns such as burnout or mental health challenges.

Concern #3: "What if their goal is unrealistic?"

If your child suddenly announces they want to be a famous actor, a professional gamer, or a YouTube millionaire, you might feel panicked. One of the biggest mistakes parents make when their autistic emerging adult expresses interest in a seemingly unrealistic or impulsive goal is to immediately shut it down. 

It’s understandable—you don’t want them wasting time or setting themselves up for disappointment. But dismissing their ideas too quickly can damage trust, increase resistance, decrease confidence, squelch motivation, and make them double down on an unworkable plan just to prove a point.

Instead of saying, “That won’t work,” or “That’s not realistic,” a far more effective approach is what I call: “Enthusiastically Running Down Dead-End Alleys.”

This means leaning into their idea with curiosity, helping them explore it, and allowing them to gather enough real-world information to make their own informed decision.

How This Works in Action

Let’s say your emerging adult decides they want to be an interior designer after playing with a decorating app on their phone. You’re pretty sure this isn’t a great career path for them, but instead of arguing, you lean in with curiosity.

✅ Instead of saying: “That’s not practical.”

👍 Say: “That’s interesting! Let’s find out more about what being an interior designer is really like.”

Why this works:

• ✅ Communicates that you respect their autonomy and interests

• ✅ Encourages critical thinking and self-discovery

• ✅ Helps them learn from experience rather than feeling forced into decisions

• ✅ Strengthens your relationship because they feel heard rather than dismissed

Let’s look at what this looks like in real life.

Case Study: Riley’s Interior Design Career Plan

Riley had previously pursued a degree in culinary arts, but after experiencing burnout at school, they became disengaged from their studies. One day, they discovered a home decorating app and decided they wanted to become an interior designer instead.

Step 1: Listen Without Judgment

If Riley’s mother or I had immediately dismissed this idea as impulsive or unrealistic, we risked:

🚫 Riley feeling unheard and invalidated.

🚫 Them digging in deeper out of defensiveness.

🚫 Straining our relationship and closing the door to productive discussion.

Instead, as Riley’s autism life coach, I enthusiastically leaned in:

👍 “That sounds really interesting! 

👍 “What made you decide this?

Step 2: Encourage Real-World Exploration

Instead of debating whether this was a good career choice, I suggested gathering more information because declaring a change in college major:

💡 “Before you commit, it might be helpful to talk to someone who actually works in interior design. I have a friend in the field who would be happy to chat with you about what her job is like.”

Riley was intrigued but not pressured. They agreed to an informational interview, and together we created a list of questions to ask.

Step 3: Let Reality Do the Teaching

During the interview, Riley quickly realized that the job was not what they expected. The day-to-day work involved:

❌ More business and client management than creativity

❌ Long hours with unpredictable pay

❌ Less hands-on design work than they had imagined

After just one conversation, Riley decided interior design wasn’t for them. They returned to their original goal of culinary arts with renewed clarity and motivation.

If we had dismissed the idea outright, Riley might have spent months pushing for this goal, feeling misunderstood, or even enrolling in a program that wouldn’t result in a rewarding and successful career. Instead, they discovered the truth for themself, which made the lesson far more impactful.

Why This Works (Even When They Still Choose the Wrong Path)

Sometimes even after running down a dead-end alley, your child won’t immediately change their mind. That’s okay! The goal isn’t to “win” or force them into the “right” decision—it’s to guide them toward experiences that help them learn and grow.

If they continue to pursue a plan that truly isn’t viable, you can:

✅ Help them set small, low-risk steps to test the waters before making major commitments.

✅ Ask open-ended questions to help them think critically about obstacles.

✅ Gently introduce alternative paths that align with their strengths.

The key is to trust the process. Most autistic emerging adults learn best through experience, not lectures. By allowing them to explore, you empower them to course-correct in a way that is self-directed and maximizes their intrinsic motivation. 

Concern #4: "What if they aren’t making progress fast enough?"

It’s natural to feel urgency when your child is behind their peers or you’re thinking about their long-term future. But remember: progress doesn’t have to be fast to be meaningful. It’s easy to feel anxious when you see their more neurotypical peers moving forward in ways your child hasn’t yet. 

It’s important to remember that autism is a neurodevelopmental condition, which simply means their brain develops differently than the majority of people. They are literally on their own timeline. 

If you feel panicked about their timeline, ask yourself:

• Is the pressure coming from societal expectations rather than what my child actually needs?

• Am I focusing on how far they have to go instead of celebrating how far they’ve come?

• Can I trust that, with the right support, they can move forward at their own pace?

✅ What helps:

• Focus on one step at a time instead of fixating on the big picture.

• Measure progress in small wins—even tiny steps forward matter. A series of small wins combine to create momentum which leads to success in bigger goals. 

• Remind yourself that their timeline may look different—but progress is still possible.

Some autistic adults need more time to recover from burnout before they can focus on progress.

Others need to experiment with different interests before finding the right path. Many need to gradually increase their level of responsibility rather than being pushed too fast. If you focus on their progress, not society’s expectations, you’ll start to see small wins that build over time.

The Bottom Line: There’s Always a Way Forward

Every autistic emerging adult is capable of growth. Their path may not look like their peers’, and the journey may take longer than expected, but progress is possible with the right approach.

• If their goals don’t match yours, start where they are.

• If they don’t have goals, help them discover them.

• If their goals seem unrealistic, guide them toward real-world learning.

• If they aren’t moving fast enough, focus on small, consistent progress.

The SBN™ parenting framework gives you the tools to support, encourage, and guide your child toward a meaningful, productive life—without repeatedly pushing them into shutdown or damaging your relationship.

Final Encouragement: Progress is Always Possible

If you’ve made it this far, you might still have lingering doubts. You might be thinking:

• “But what if my child never becomes independent?”

• “What if they stay stuck forever?”

• “What if I’ve already tried everything and nothing has worked?”

I want to remind you that progress is always possible. It might not happen on the timeline you expected. It might not look the way you originally envisioned. But that doesn’t mean your child is incapable of growth. It just means they need a different kind of support to move forward.

You Are Not Alone in This Journey

Parenting an autistic emerging adult can feel isolating, especially when the world seems to misunderstand your struggles. But you are not alone in this. There are:

💡 Other parents who are walking the same path

💡 Professionals like the coaches at Thrive Autism Coaching who can help guide you

💡 Resources and strategies that can make a real difference

You don’t have to figure everything out today. You don’t have to have all the answers. You just need to take one step at a time—and trust that progress will come. And make sure to review part one of this two-part series for details on the SBN™ parenting framework.

Want more guidance?

• My book “Parenting for Independence: Overcoming Failure to Launch in Autistic Emerging Adults” goes deep into how the SBN™ parenting framework works and how to apply it. You can order it here.

• Consider joining the next cohort of Parenting for Independence, my group coaching program that helps parents implement the SBN™ parenting framework. 

• If you just can’t wait, consider working one-on-one with one of our parent coaches who is certified by Head Coach Patty Laushman in the SBN™ parenting framework. You can schedule a complimentary consultation to explore this option here.

You’re not alone, and you’re not out of options. There is a way forward—and you and your child can walk it together collaboratively!

Key Takeaways

• Start with their goals. You do not have to abandon your own hopes to prioritize what is meaningful to your autistic emerging adult; beginning with their goals is usually the most effective way to eventually reach yours.

• “No goals” is a signal, not a personality trait. Look underneath for burnout, low confidence, lack of clarity, or over-comfort, and respond with the right mix of support, boundaries, and gentle nudges.

• Treat “unrealistic” goals as learning opportunities. Lean in with curiosity, gather real-world information together, and let experience teach, this preserves the relationship and supports genuine self-discovery.

• Focus on progress, not pace. Your autistic adult is on their own developmental timeline; small, consistent steps forward matter far more than how quickly they match peers.

• You can adjust your parenting without losing connection. The SBN™ framework gives you a way to support, set limits, and nudge growth without pushing your autistic adult into shutdown or damaging the relationship.

FAQs About Common Concerns With the SBN™ Parenting Framework

What is the SBN™ parenting framework in simple terms? 

The SBN™ parenting framework is a way of parenting autistic emerging adults that focuses on three things: Support, Boundaries, and Nudges. Instead of relying on pressure, lectures, or rescuing, it helps you support your adult child’s nervous system, set clear and respectful limits, and give small, strategic pushes that build skills and independence over time.

How do I know if my autistic emerging adult is “unmotivated” or actually burned out? 

If they are spending most of their time sleeping, gaming, or withdrawing from everyday life, and even small tasks feel impossible, burnout, defense mode, anxiety, or depression may be involved. In these cases, pushing big goals usually backfires. It often works better to prioritize nervous system recovery, reduce demands, offer low-pressure engagement, and add professional support if needed before you expect major progress on goals.

What should I do when my child’s goals scare me or seem unrealistic? 

Instead of shutting the goal down, stay curious and collaborative. Ask questions, gather information, set low-risk experiments (like talking to someone in that field or shadowing for a day), and let reality provide feedback. This approach keeps your relationship strong, teaches decision-making skills, and often helps your autistic adult revise their own goals without a power struggle.

What if my autistic adult has no goals at all and doesn’t want to talk about the future? 

This usually means something is getting in the way—such as low confidence, overwhelm, lack of exposure to options, or a life that has become very small and comfortable. You can respond by starting with tiny, achievable steps, offering “menus” of possibilities, shifting small responsibilities to them, and gently expanding their comfort zone while maintaining support. Underneath, everyone has preferences and desires; they may just need the right conditions to reconnect with them.

How fast should I expect progress when using the SBN™ framework? 

There is no standard timeline. Some parents see small changes quickly, while others notice slow but steady shifts over months or longer. What matters most is consistent use of Support, Boundaries, and Nudges, focusing on one step at a time, tracking small wins, and resisting comparison to neurotypical peers. Over time, these small steps often add up to a more confident and independent autistic adult.

About the Author

Patty Laushman is the founder and head coach of Thrive Autism Coaching. An expert in the transition to adulthood for autistic emerging adults, she coaches parents in applying her SBN™ parenting framework to strengthen relationships and foster self-sufficiency. Patty’s work is rooted in a neurodiversity-affirming, strengths-based approach that empowers both parents and autistic adults to thrive. She is also the author of the groundbreaking book, Parenting for Independence: Overcoming Failure to Launch in Autistic Emerging Adults.