By Patty Laushman
The ability to accurately perceive and respond to the emotional states of others is crucial for forming and maintaining relationships because it enables us to connect deeply with others on an emotional level. This skill, called empathic attunement, can present unique challenges to autistic individuals and those around them because different neurotypes experience and express emotions differently.
In part one of this blog post, I will examine the components of empathic attunement, and I will dispel the biggest myth about autism and empathy. In part two, I will explore the challenges involved in cross-neurotype empathic interactions and offer strategies for improving them.
By expanding our understanding of what empathic attunement looks like in the context of autism, I hope to promote more meaningful and deeper connections for all people, creating a more inclusive community that enriches everyone’s lives.
What is Empathic Attunement?
Before we can dive into autism and empathy, it’s important to understand empathic attunement, the ability to perceive and respond to other people’s emotional states. This skill encompasses two different components with a third possible contender – cognitive, emotional, and compassionate empathy, each of which contributes the experience of empathy in unique ways.
Cognitive Empathy
Often referred to as "perspective-taking," cognitive empathy involves the intellectual understanding of another person's thoughts and feelings. It enables you to recognize what someone else is feeling without necessarily experiencing the emotions yourself.
As an example, you can understand that someone whose home has just been destroyed by a natural disaster is feeling lots of emotions such as grief and anger without actually feeling those emotions yourself.
Emotional Empathy
Emotional or affective empathy involves more deeply sharing the emotional experience of another person. It goes beyond intellectual understanding to physically or emotionally feeling what another person is feeling. It is often the result of picking up on nonverbal signals and happens instinctively. It may be referred to as emotional intuition. It's also the result of picking up the "vibe" a person or a group of people is generating.
For example, if you have ever experienced losing a beloved pet, and your coworker shares that they just had to put their dog down, you can experience physical and emotional pangs of grief and loss triggered by this exchange.
Compassionate Empathy
Compassionate empathy is what most people think about when they use the word empathy. When someone is struggling or in pain, it's compassionate empathy that drives the motivation to help alleviate their distress. It is an active component of wanting to provide support or take action to improve the other person's situation.
When there are struggles with cognitive or emotional empathy, an autistic individual may not get an opportunity to display compassionate empathy, but once the emotions or needs of others are clearly communicated and understood, autistic individuals are highly motivated to help others, perhaps even more so than more neurotypical people.
Skill Imbalances
Even neurotypical people can experience imbalances in the two core skills. Some people may excel in cognitive empathy and be relatively weak in emotional empathy, and some people are the reverse.
As an example, if someone excels at cognitive empathy but is relatively weak at emotional empathy, and then a colleague expresses frustration at work, the individual might acknowledge the frustration and appropriately say, “I can see why you’re upset. That must have been frustrating.”
However, if their response is based on an intellectual understanding of the situation rather than emotional empathy, their tone of voice may give the listener the impression they are detached and not really empathizing. This does not in any way mean they don’t care.
If an individual experiences particularly intense emotional empathy but struggles with cognitive empathy, they may have a tendency to shut down in highly charged situations and not respond in ways that are recognized as empathic responses. For example, in a group setting, an individual with strong emotional empathy might absorb the general mood of the room if people are tense, sad, or angry.
Without cognitive empathy to make sense of the feelings, though, they could easily become emotionally overwhelmed and appear distant. This does not mean they are not empathizing with the group’s emotions.
When these skill imbalances occur within an autistic individual, they are just one more thing they may struggle with interpersonally if they are interacting with more neurotypical people. The examples here are just the tip of the iceberg, too, in terms of why more neurotypical people might get the impression that an autistic individual is not empathizing with them, but they begin to illustrate what is behind the biggest and most pervasive myth about autism and empathy.
The Biggest Myth About Autism and Empathy
There is a pervasive myth that autistic individuals are incapable of caring about or understanding others' emotions. This misconception stems from superficial observations of how autistic individuals appear to express empathy, or not express empathy, that differ from neurotypical expectations.
Because of their unique ways of expressing empathy, autistic individuals are often misunderstood. These misunderstandings often result in misjudgment of their intentions and social exclusion, which can have unfortunate consequences related to their social confidence and self-esteem.
What is critical to understand is that what you see on the outside is not necessarily what they are experiencing on the inside. There are many examples of this.
Outward Expressions May Be Unexpected
An autistic individual might show empathy in ways that don’t align with neurotypical social norms. For instance, they may not mirror the expected facial expressions like frowning or smiling when someone is sharing an emotional experience, which could lead others to believe they aren’t empathetic. However, they may still feel deeply for the other person, just without outwardly expressing it in expected ways.
They might not react with the expected tone of voice, or they might not say anything at all, especially when they are overwhelmed by emotional empathy or relying heavily on cognitive empathy alone. An autistic individual might offer a thoughtful, supportive statement like, “I understand that must be difficult for you,” but if their tone of voice comes across as flat or lacking emotion, neurotypical people may misinterpret this as disinterest or coldness, even though the autistic individual genuinely cares.
Hyperempathy May Shut Them Down
Some autistic individuals even experience hyperempathy (or hyper-empathy) which can completely overwhelm them with emotion and cause them to need to retreat or shut down. In reality, it might be a coping mechanism to manage their intense emotional empathy.
In group settings, an autistic individual may absorb the emotions of others to the point of emotional overload. Instead of expressing empathy outwardly, they may become quiet. Neurotypical observers might see this as indifference, but in reality, the autistic person is experiencing a flood of emotions that they’re struggling to manage.
Processing May Take Longer
Many autistic individuals report needing more time to process emotions than their neurotypical peers. They might appear distant or unresponsive in the moment, but later reach out with a deep expression of empathy. This delay in emotional processing can be confused with a lack of care when it’s actually just a difference in the way their brain processes social or emotional input.
Social Communication May Be Different
An autistic person might respond to someone’s emotional expression with blunt communication, factual statements, or problem-solving suggestions in a genuine attempt to demonstrate care instead of offering what is perceived by a neurotypical person as comfort or emotional validation.
For example, if a friend shares they are upset, the autistic individual might say, “Have you tried X to fix it?” rather than offering a more emotional response like, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.” This may seem unempathetic to neurotypical people, but for that autistic individual, offering solutions may be their way of demonstrating that they care.
Their Sensory Preferences May Differ
Neurotypical expectations might include offering physical comfort, like a hug, during emotional moments. However, some autistic individuals may not feel comfortable with physical touch, even when they deeply empathize. Their avoidance of physical comfort might be misunderstood as a lack of empathy, when in fact it’s simply a sensory preference.
These differences in the way autistic individuals may experience emotions and express empathy highlight some of the ways their intentions are often misinterpreted by others.
Final Thoughts on Autism and Empathy
In conclusion, the relationship between autism and empathy is far more complex and nuanced than many realize. Autistic individuals often experience empathy deeply but may express it in ways that differ from neurotypical expectations. These differences can lead to unfortunate misunderstandings, where an autistic person’s genuine empathy may be misinterpreted as indifference. However, as we’ve explored, these outward expressions do not reflect a lack of care or compassion. Rather, they highlight the unique ways that autistic individuals may experience emotions and express empathy.
Understanding and recognizing these differences is essential for building deeper, more empathetic relationships. It requires shifting away from the assumption that empathy must look a certain way, the neurotypical way, and instead being open to the diverse ways in which people communicate their care and understanding. This awareness can help bridge the gap between neurodivergent and neurotypical individuals, fostering more meaningful connections and reducing social isolation for autistic individuals.
Read on in part 2 where I’ll more deeply explore the differences that autistic individuals exhibit that impact empathy, and I’ll also provide strategies for improving cross-neurotype empathic interactions.