By Patty Laushman
Navigating the world of casual conversation, often known as small talk, can feel uncomfortable for many people. For autistic adults in particular, there are extra challenges related to their neurotype that make the whole experience very anxiety-provoking.
However, mastering the art of small talk can really improve your quality of life. It can lead to forming meaningful connections, which can lead to really rewarding relationships. It can also open doors to new opportunities in both the personal and professional spheres.
In this blog post, I will explore what small talk is, why it might feel challenging for autistic adults, and offer practical strategies for preparing for and engaging in small talk.
My goal is to equip you with the tools you need to feel more comfortable and confident in your small talk abilities so you can leverage them to create the life you seek.
Understanding Small Talk in the Context of Autism
Small talk is the art of engaging in light, informal conversation that's typically used to break the ice in social settings, from standing in line at the coffee shop, to casual meet-ups, to professional gatherings.
It's the first step toward human connection where topics are kept light and non-controversial, such as the weather or general interests. The primary purpose is not to exchange deep thoughts but to communicate that you are interested in connecting with them at some level, even if the connection stays at the most superficial level.
For many autistic individuals, the subtleties involved in social exchanges, such as the unspoken rules about topics, the back-and-forth flow, and the interpretation of body language and facial expressions, may not come naturally.
This lack of intuitiveness can make the seemingly simple act of engaging in casual conversation much more complex. Additionally, the inherent vagueness and unpredictable nature of informal chats often contribute to feelings of intense anxiety.
Autistic individuals also often find pretending to be interested in the weather or other common small talk topics exhausting. They think, "What's the point?" But the point of small talk is not about the topic of conversation. Think of small talk as a way of signaling that you would like to connect at some level with the other person. Small talk also functions like "social lubrication." It makes entry into deeper conversations where this is appropriate happen more smoothly and naturally.
Another layer of complexity is the need to decipher and respond to social cues in real time. Autistic individuals may find it challenging to pick up on subtle hints that show the other person's interest or disinterest in the conversation, such as shifts in body language or changes in tone. This can make it difficult to gauge when to change the subject, dive deeper, or end the conversation.
Despite these challenges, there are many benefits to engaging in small talk. It’s a necessary step to more meaningful conversations and ultimately the most gratifying relationships. It can ease the entry into social groups, make professional networking more accessible, and generally help with navigating day-to-day social interactions more smoothly.
Next, I will dive into how to optimally prepare for small talk to make the process as comfortable as possible
Preparing for Small Talk
If small talk makes you nervous, mastering the art of small talk needs to begin long before the opportunity to converse starts. Preparation can ease the anxiety and stress associated with these interactions. Creating a plan provides a solid foundation upon which to build your conversational skills.
Create a List of Conversation Starters
Before a big social event, consider making a list of questions you can use to start conversations that you keep in your phone. These questions can ease nervousness by providing a quick reference to prevent you from running out of things to say, which is many people's worst nightmare when stuck in a small talk conversation.
Having a list can also mitigate the tendency to dominate the conversation (infodumping). Each person should participate roughly the same amount in both talking and listening. Many people get uncomfortable with awkward pauses, which is a perfectly natural response, but it's not conducive to good small talk. Just knowing you have access to these conversation starters can boost your confidence and reduce anxiety.
Develop a Topic Toolbox
Beyond individual conversation starters, you can prepare a list of go-to topics that you are comfortable discussing. These might include hobbies, books, films, music, current events (avoiding polarizing topics like politics and religion), or observations about your immediate surroundings.
Having this list of topics can reduce the stress of figuring out something to talk about if you experience awkward pauses, which happens to everyone! And if you have trouble remembering these topics when you feel put on the spot, jot them down in a note in your phone so you always have them handy.
Use Anxiety Reduction Techniques
If the thought of small talk spikes your anxiety, consider employing stress-reduction techniques before you know you will have these types of interactions, such as deep breathing exercises, mindfulness, or some quick aerobic exercise. Imagining a successful conversation ahead of time can also build your confidence and encourage a positive mindset.
Practice Makes Progress
Engage in practice sessions with family, friends, or maybe even in front of a mirror. Role-playing different conversational scenarios can help you become more comfortable with starting, maintaining, and ending these light conversations that are an important step to connecting more deeply with others. This will allow you to get feedback from people you trust, fine-tune your responses, and improve your skill in handling different subjects and the inevitable unexpected responses.
And most of all, don't expect perfection! Even the most gifted conversationalist experiences awkward situations during small talk. It's just part of the process. Be kind to yourself, and don't let that negative voice inside your head get you down. If you're putting yourself out there and are trying it, you've already won.
Engaging in Small Talk
Once you've prepared for small talk, the next step is to actually do it. This phase involves initiating conversations, maintaining them, and gracefully exiting when the time is right. I know this sounds terrifying, but there is literally no other way to improve this skill.
You can start slowly by trying small talk in very time-limited situations, like while checking out at the grocery store or coffee shop with whomever is taking your payment. You know the interaction will be over quickly, and the risk, if things get awkward, is minimal. You can walk out of the store, shake yourself off, and move on with your life. And who knows! You might actually enjoy the interaction.
You can then move up to longer conversations in places you know you’ll have at least a few minutes, like while standing in line somewhere. The risks are relatively low here too because if the conversation gets too uncomfortable, you know there is a predetermined exit strategy.
Finally, you can then move up to the biggest small talk challenges, which are situations where there is no obvious exit from conversations like those at professional networking events or at activities organized around something you enjoy, like hiking, crafting, board games, or other types of clubs.
Tips on Initiating Conversations
Make Observations
Use your surroundings to start a conversation. Commenting on things like artwork, the venue's atmosphere, or the food provides a natural conversation opener. You can ask a checker, "Is the store always this busy at this time?" These observations offer a mutual topic that eases the way into more dialogue.
Begin with Open-Ended Questions
Start conversations with questions that require more than a yes or no answer. Questions like "What brought you to this event?" or "What do you like to do on the weekends?" encourage people to open up. These types of questions not only invite longer replies but also open up opportunities for deeper and more interesting conversations.
Compliments and Commonalities
Genuine compliments and noting shared interests can help initiate conversations. Mentioning the band on their T-shirt if it's something you genuinely enjoy can be a great way to connect. These remarks show you're observant and create common ground, which facilitates deeper conversation.
Just be aware that people may feel self-conscious about their appearance, so unless you are commenting about something that is a clear demonstration of their personality, such a clothing or jewelry or an unusual hair color or cut, it's best to steer clear of these topics.
Body Language and Nonverbal Cues
Remember that your body language signals your willingness or hesitancy to interact. Facing the person, maintaining eye contact (if you are able), and nodding express your interest and engagement. Such nonverbal cues demonstrate interest and create an invitation for the person to continue speaking. If you are not sure about the message your body language and nonverbal cues send, try recording yourself during a role play with someone you trust and analyze it with them.
Maintaining Conversations
Active Listening
Show you're listening by nodding and using affirmations such as "I see" or "Interesting." These gestures provide an outward indication that you are paying attention. Active participation like this shows respect for the speaker's thoughts and encourages them to continue.
Sharing and Asking
Balance talking about yourself with asking questions about the other person. Sharing relevant stories or views in response to their remarks encourages a mutual exchange. This two-way type of conversing makes both participants feel engaged and valued.
Be Mindful of How Much Each of You is Talking
Both of you should be talking and listening about equally. Pay attention to the natural flow of conversation. If a topic seems to wane or the other person's interest seems to dips, it's okay to change the subject. If they change the subject, try to go with the flow. If you both get stuck, try using the list of topics you've prepared to start a new conversation thread or consider politely ending the conversation and moving on.
Handle Awkward Moments Gracefully
It's important to not panic when the inevitable awkward moment happens. When conversations fall silent or misunderstandings occur, a cheerful comment like "Oops, lost my train of thought!" can ease the tension. Shifting to a new topic afterward can recover the conversation and sidestep awkwardness.
If you can’t think of another topic quickly, just know that everyone experiences awkwardness when speaking with new people. It just happens sometimes. If you’re not able to make a graceful exit, consider pointing out the awkwardness by saying, “Well, this is awkward!” This usually generates a giggle from both sides and can help dissolve the awkwardness.
Clarify Intentions
If you're unsure about a comment or question, it's okay to ask for clarification. Using phrases like "Can you elaborate on that?" or “Tell me more!” is a helpful way to gain more insight. Similarly, using a question like "Did I correctly understand that...?" ensures that both parties are on the same page while avoiding potential misunderstandings.
Exiting Conversations
Learn to Recognize the Endings of Conversations
Every conversation follows its own rhythm and eventually reaches a natural conclusion. Being able to identify when a discussion is winding down can simplify the process of leaving it smoothly. Mastering this skill allows for a graceful exit from conversations.
Polite Closures
When you're ready to end a conversation, use polite phrases to signal the end. Say something like, "It was wonderful chatting with you!" shows gratitude for the interaction. Following up with a kind wish, like "I hope you have a lovely rest of your evening," ensures the conversation ends on a positive note.
Future Connections
If you enjoyed the conversation and wish to speak again, consider exchanging contact details or discussing a mutual interest in an upcoming event. Mentioning a shared event can smoothly lead to plans for future meetings. These actions gently show your desire to keep in touch, which opens the door for further interactions.
If this is something you would like help with, we have specialist coaches here at Thrive Autism Coaching who can help you improve your small talk skills! To explore this possibility, just schedule a complimentary consultation with us from the link on this webpage. We'll use this time to discuss your situation, clarify what you hope to get out of coaching, and identify the best-fit coach on our team for you.
Conclusion
While the process of learning how to engage confidently in small talk might be filled with unique challenges for autistic adults, it also creates a pathway to deeper human connection and more rewarding, intimate relationships.
Remember, be kind to yourself as you are learning this important skill. The goal isn't perfection but progress. Practicing the strategies outlined here, from preparing topics in advance to overcoming the anxiety of actually engaging in conversations, can significantly reduce the stress associated with small talk. You may even transform it from a terrifying task into a tolerable, if not enjoyable, part of your social repertoire.
Ultimately, the art of small talk is a skill that can be honed over time, with patience, practice, and a positive mindset. By leveraging the tips provided, you can begin to navigate the world of small talk with greater ease and confidence. Here's to your journey toward mastering the art of small talk, one chat at a time!