By Patty Laushman
Do you feel like no matter how much you try to help your emerging adult, they resist, shut down, or avoid the conversation altogether? You offer reminders, advice, and encouragement, but instead of progress, you’re met with frustration, defensiveness, or inaction. It’s exhausting, and it leaves you wondering:
Why won’t they listen?
Why do simple requests turn into arguments?
How can I support them without them feeling pressured or overwhelmed?
You’re not alone. Many parents of autistic emerging adults struggle with these same challenges. It’s not that your child doesn’t care about their future, responsibilities, or your relationship—it’s that the way communication typically happens between parents and autistic emerging adults can unintentionally trigger stress, anxiety, overwhelm, and even feelings of inadequacy in our children.
The good news? There’s a way to communicate that fosters trust, collaboration, and independence.
The Magic of Declarative Language and Autism
When I coach parents of autistic emerging adults, I tell them that there are no magic wands in activating their child’s intrinsic motivation, unlocking their potential, and guiding them toward their best life. It’s a step-by-step process that takes a lot of work. But one of the tools I teach them, declarative language, sometimes feels like a magic wand because the results are so immediately apparent.
This one shift in the way you start conversations with them can completely transform the way the two of you communicate. It helps create connection, reduces defensiveness, and directly supports your autistic emerging adult’s ability to take ownership of their life.
Instead of giving instructions, asking direct questions, or reminding them of responsibilities (which can feel like demands), declarative language invites them into conversations and helps them process situations on their own terms.
My hope for you by the end of this blog post containing declarative language examples is that you’ll understand:
What declarative language is
Why it works for autistic emerging adults
The difference between declarative language and imperative language
How to construct effective declarative statements
Even if declarative language feels unnatural at first, I promise that with practice, it will make an incredible difference. You’ll start to see more cooperation, more independence, and fewer meltdowns and shutdowns. And most importantly, you’ll strengthen the relationship you have with your child—so they feel understood, capable, and supported as they begin to navigate adulthood.
Let’s dive in!
What is Declarative Language?
Declarative language is a way of communicating that shares observations or information, or invites reflection, rather than issuing commands or asking direct questions. Instead of telling your child what to do or asking them for specific responses, declarative language encourages independent thinking and problem-solving.
Declarative Language vs. Imperative Language
Most of time when we speak with someone, we default to something called imperative language. Imperative language is directive. It tells someone what to do, asks them to provide information, or demands a response.
While it’s very efficient, it can feel controlling, overwhelming, or even adversarial—especially for autistic individuals who are struggling with life, and particularly those with PDA autism (pathological demand avoidance).
In contrast, declarative language is collaborative. It removes the pressure to comply, allowing your child to process information and engage at their own pace. This makes it far more effective for fostering cooperation and reducing resistance and gives them space to do their own thinking and learn new skills.
Here’s a side-by-side comparison of declarative language examples:
Imperative Language (Demanding) | Declarative Language (Inviting and Collaborative) |
“Go take a shower.” | “I bet a warm shower would feel really good after today.” |
“You need to start looking for a job.” | “I imagine finding a job that fits your strengths would feel really good.” |
“Did you do your homework?” | “I’m wondering how schoolwork is going for you today.” |
“Close the door!” | “It feels chilly in here—I think the door might still be open.” |
“Don’t forget your appointment on Thursday.” | “I can’t remember when your appointment is. When was that again?” |
Even without understanding what declarative language is or how to construct declarative statements, you can just feel by reading these examples how it’s a softer, gentler way of engaging with someone.
Why Declarative Language Works for Autistic Emerging Adults
If you’ve ever felt like conversations with your autistic emerging adult lead to frustration, shutdowns, or outright resistance, you’re not alone. Many parents find themselves caught in a cycle where reminders, instructions, and well-meaning advice only seem to push their child further away and don’t generate the results the parent is hoping for.
The problem isn’t that your child doesn’t care about their responsibilities or future—it’s that the way information is being presented is triggering an automatic stress response. This is where declarative language can make all the difference.
Declarative language works because it removes the pressure to respond in a specific way. Instead of making a direct demand or asking a pointed question that has a right or wrong answer, declarative statements invite engagement and allow your child to process information without feeling controlled.
Here are five reasons declarative language is so effective:
1. Reduces the Sense of Demand and Pressure
Many autistic individuals exhibit general demand avoidance driven by things like executive functioning challenges, burnout, focused interests, sensory overwhelm, or general overwhelm. Declarative statements feel more like invitations than demands, which lowers the level of pressure they experience.
Example:
Imperative: “You need to start looking for a job.”
Declarative: “I imagine finding a job that fits your strengths would feel really good.”
🡆 The declarative version lowers defensiveness and invites reflection, rather than triggering resistance.
2. Works Especially Well for Individuals with PDA Autism
Individuals with pathological demand avoidance (also known as a persistent demand for autonomy) experience an extreme stress response to feeling controlled. Declarative language allows them to maintain autonomy while still engaging with the conversation.
Example:
Imperative: “Can you help me carry in the groceries?”
Declarative: “I’m carrying in the groceries, and I think I might need an extra pair of hands.”
🡆 Your child can engage on their own terms rather than feeling forced into a demand.
3. Encourages Independent Thinking and Problem-Solving
When you phrase statements as observations rather than commands, you allow your emerging adult to notice what you are noticing and problem-solve on their own instead of simply following your instructions. Over time, this builds confidence and self-sufficiency.
Example:
Imperative: “You need to do your laundry.”
Declarative: “I noticed the laundry basket is pretty full. I wonder when would be a good time to run a load.”
🡆 Instead of feeling ordered around, your child is given the opportunity to notice the situation and take responsibility for it.
4. Builds Connection Instead of Conflict
Commands and direct questions can feel confrontational, leading to defensiveness, shutdowns, or meltdowns. When conversations feel like a battle, relationships suffer. Declarative language removes the power struggle and instead positions you as a supportive partner. Over time, this strengthens trust and makes your child more open to communication. Declarative statements create a sense of collaboration like you are experiencing something together.
Example:
Imperative: “Why are you and your sister always fighting?”
Declarative: “I noticed you seemed really frustrated after talking to your sister. I wonder what’s going on.”
🡆 Your child is more likely to share their perspective when they don’t feel accused or put on the spot.
5. Supports Executive Functioning Challenges
Many autistic emerging adults struggle with skills such as planning and task initiation. These are skills that can be strengthened, but not if you do all the functioning for them. Constant reminders can feel overwhelming or even shame-inducing. Declarative statements cue them in to necessary tasks without them feeling nagged or micromanaged.
Example:
Imperative: “Don’t forget your therapy appointment on Thursday.”
Declarative: “I can’t remember when your therapy appointment is—I wonder if it’s on Thursday?”
🡆 Your child has a chance to recall the information themselves, reinforcing their own responsibility without feeling parented.
Declarative Language in Action: A Before & After Scenario
Imagine you want your child to help out more around the house. Here’s how shifting your language can change the response you get:
❌ Before (Imperative Language):
“Can you please help with the dishes?”
“You need to start taking more responsibility.”
“Stop leaving your stuff all over the house.”
✅ After (Declarative Language):
“I noticed the sink is getting full of dishes.”
“I wonder what a fair way would be to divide up housework.”
“I’m worried about tripping with so many things on the floor.”
Instead of feeling bossed around, your emerging adult is invited into the conversation. This small shift can make a huge difference in how they respond.
By using declarative language, you’re not just making communication easier—you’re supporting your child’s autonomy, problem-solving skills, and emotional regulation. Even if this way of speaking feels unnatural at first, small changes will lead to noticeable improvements over time.
Now that you understand why declarative language is so effective, let’s move on to how to construct declarative statements that work in real-life situations.
If you’re enjoying this, you might be interested in my upcoming book “Parenting for Independence: Overcoming Failure to Launch in Autistic Emerging Adults.” The book goes deep into how to apply the SBN™ parenting framework, including how to use declarative language. You can sign up to stay in the know about what's happening here!
How to Construct Effective Declarative Statements
Now that you understand why declarative language is such a powerful tool, let’s talk about how to actually use it in real life. The key is to shift from giving instructions or asking direct questions to making observations, sharing thoughts, or inviting reflection.
Declarative statements create opportunities for engagement, problem-solving, and autonomy without triggering defensiveness or shutdowns. Below are five core strategies to help you construct effective declarative statements along with real-world examples relevant to parents of autistic emerging adults.
1. Observe What’s Happening in the Environment
By simply stating what you notice, you help your child become more aware of their surroundings without placing a direct demand on them. Over time, this helps build independent thinking and responsibility and helps them tune in to what you are noticing in the environment.
🔹 Scenario: Your emerging adult keeps leaving the front door open.
❌ Imperative: “Close the door!”
✅ Declarative: “It feels chilly in here—I think the front door might still be open.”
🔹 Scenario: Your emerging adult hasn’t taken their medication.
❌ Imperative: “Don’t forget to take your meds.”
✅ Declarative: “I noticed your medicine alarm went off.”
✅ Why this works: Your child is prompted to tune in to the environment and think through the action they should take rather than just being told by you what to do and feeling over-reminded or nagged.
2. Model Your Thinking
When you share your own thoughts, it removes pressure from the conversation while encouraging them to engage in problem-solving. This can be especially helpful for tasks related to daily responsibilities.
🔹 Scenario: You’re worried your child will forget their dentist appointment.
❌ Imperative: “Don’t forget your dentist appointment on Thursday.”
✅ Declarative: “I forgot when you scheduled that dentist appointment for.”
🔹 Scenario: You want to encourage them to start looking for a job.
❌ Imperative: “When are you going to start job hunting?”
✅ Declarative: “I’m wondering when you were thinking about checking out job postings.”
✅ Why this works: Instead of feeling pressured to provide an answer, your child can reflect and respond at their own pace.
3. Use Uncertainty and Possibility to Provide Them Wiggle Room
For many autistic individuals—especially those with PDA autism—direct demands can trigger a stress response that leads to avoidance. Using softening words like "maybe," "perhaps," "sometimes," or "I wonder" provides flexibility and reduces resistance.
🔹 Scenario: Your child needs driving practice before they can get their license.
❌ Imperative: “You need to practice driving if you want to get your license.”
✅ Declarative: “Maybe you could drive me to the grocery store and get some practice in.”
🔹 Scenario: You’re encouraging them to apply for jobs.
❌ Imperative: “If you want to get hired, you need to apply to more jobs.”
✅ Declarative: “Sometimes I need to apply to lots of jobs before I get an interview. Maybe we could set a weekly goal together?”
✅ Why this works: These statements give your emerging adult a sense of autonomy while still planting the idea that action needs to happen.
4. Normalize Not Knowing Everything
Acknowledging that you don’t always have all the answers helps remove the fear of failure or making the wrong choice. This creates a safe space for your child to express uncertainty and engage in collaborative decision-making.
🔹 Scenario: You’re planning a family trip and your child wants to know exactly where you’ll be staying.
❌ Imperative: “I don’t know yet.”
✅ Declarative: “That’s a great question—I haven’t figured that out yet, but I promise to let you know as soon as I do. Do you want to help me research it?”
🔹 Scenario: You want to encourage them to try a new restaurant.
❌ Imperative: “Just give it a chance—it’ll be fine.”
✅ Declarative: “I’m not sure how it will be, but if it’s terrible, we never have to go again. And if it’s great, we might find a new favorite place.”
✅ Why this works: By normalizing uncertainty, your child feels less pressured to have all the answers right away and more comfortable exploring new experiences.
5. Use Words Related to Your Feelings or Senses
Autistic individuals—especially those with interoception challenges—may struggle with recognizing their own bodily signals, emotions, or sensory needs. When you express your own experiences or observations, it helps them tune into their own internal state.
🔹 Scenario: Your child hasn’t eaten in hours and is getting irritable.
❌ Imperative: “You need to eat something.”
✅ Declarative: “It seems like you haven’t eaten since this morning. I wonder if you’re hungry.”
🔹 Scenario: The house is a mess, and you need them to help clean.
❌ Imperative: “You never clean up after yourself!”
✅ Declarative: “I’m feeling overwhelmed by how messy the house is. I wonder if we could come up with a way to divide up chores.”
✅ Why this works: Instead of making them feel criticized or controlled, these statements allow them to process the situation without feeling attacked.
More Declarative Language Examples
Imperative Language | Declarative Language |
“Stop playing video games and go to bed.” | “It seems like it’s getting pretty late. I wonder how tired you’ll feel in the morning.” |
“Take out the trash now.” | “I noticed the trash is really full.” |
“Did you email your professor yet?” | “I remember you were planning to email your professor. I wonder if you need any help drafting it.” |
“You need to make an appointment with a therapist.” | “I imagine finding a therapist who understands you would feel really helpful.” |
Final Thoughts on Declarative Language and Autism
Declarative language is a simple yet powerful shift in communication that can make a world of difference in your relationship with your autistic emerging adult. By reducing pressure, encouraging independent thinking, and fostering collaboration, this approach helps create a more positive, respectful, and effective way to support their growth.
At first, using declarative language will likely feel awkward, but with practice, you’ll begin to see the benefits—less resistance, more cooperation, and deeper conversations. Your child will feel more understood and empowered, and you’ll feel less like you have to push them to move forward in life.
Most importantly, declarative language strengthens your connection with your child. It shows them that you trust their ability to think, make decisions, and take responsibility in their own way and at their own pace. That trust and respect will cement your place as a valuable member of their support team as they are navigating early adulthood.
If you’re ready to try this approach, start small. Pick one or two situations where you typically get negative responses (or no response) when you try to talk with your child, and rephrase the way you begin the conversation as a declarative statement.
You don’t have to get it perfect right away. The fact that you’re willing to learn and adapt shows your commitment to supporting your child in a way that truly works for them. And that’s what will lead to your (and their) eventual success!
Want more guidance?
Sign up to find out what’s happening with my upcoming book, “Parenting for Independence: Overcoming Failure to Launch in Autistic Emerging Adults.” I go deep into how the SBN™ parenting framework works and how to apply it, including how to use declarative language.
Consider joining the next cohort of Parenting for Independence, my group coaching program that helps parents implement the SBN™ parenting framework.
If you just can’t wait, consider working one-on-one with one of our parent coaches who is certified by Head Coach Patty Laushman in the SBN™ parenting framework. You can schedule a complimentary consultation to explore this option here.